unsure thoughts...Ryan

[jessi]

Dominique’s fingers drummed in a rhythmic tune as she stared down at the blank piece of parchment in front of her. She had been sitting in the library for what seemed like days trying to write this potions paper. She couldn’t concentrate, she hadn’t been able to concentrate, not since this morning.

Dominique had been eating breakfast in the great hall when she saw Ryan get up from his table and start towards the exit, something hadn’t seemed right with him so Dominique went after him, even with the protest of her fellow housemates telling her it didn’t matter let the poor Slytherin boy do whatever he wanted, none of them could understand why Dominique wanted to be with him, but she did and was the happiest when she was with him.

”Ryan” she called after him as she tried to catch up but the students had seemed to be glued to their spots, all whispering about what was going on between the two, Ryan had turned around at his name but then after locking eyes with Domi had just turned and kept walking, and that had been like a punch in the gut for Domi

Shaking the memory from her head Dominique looked back down at her paper trying to focus but her thoughts once again went back to Ryan. Had she done something? She had heard whisperings around the school about something and heard her and ryan’s name every now and then but whenever she questioned it she was met with stares as if no one knew a thing and that bugged her.

Raking a hand through her already disarrayed hair Dominique bit down on her lip, almost hard enough to draw blood, but feeling the pain she quit and just rubbed a hand over her face trying to sort through all the thoughts that were progressing through her head, but the thoughts wouldn’t go away, throwing her quill across the table Dominique sat back and just closed her eyes, taking deep breathes she needed to calm down, whatever was happening between Ryan and her would figure itself out, or so she hoped.

[ryan]

In your head, in your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie,
Hey, hey, hey. What's in your head,
In your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie?

The Muggle song was the perfect description for the way Ryan had been acting lately. He’d been walking around aimlessly, mindlessly, knowing that even though his body was going through all the motions, his mind was absent. He got up, had breakfast, went to class, went back down to dinner...without really knowing what he was doing, without having a way to shake himself out of this numb state. His eyes saw things, but he never registered what was really happening. He might have seen Dominique, might have looked at her, but it was more likely that he saw through her and never realized he had been staring at his girlfriend.

Dominique...She deserved so much more than what she was getting. It hurt him, to know that he wouldn’t make her happy, that he was destined to break her heart. It hurt him because despite of what had happened, he honestly cared for her. It hurt also, because Louis was his friend and he was worried about losing him, about the Hufflepuff sticking by his sister and starting to hate him. Contrary to what people thought, he could have at least some purely platonic relationships. Louis Weasley was one of the few that he would never even think of bedding, and the younger male had always seen the good in him...had always made him feel like maybe there would be more to him, that he might not be this boy he saw in the mirror every morning.

He had seen her enter the library, hidden in an aisle where he felt safe enough. It was filled with books on history of magic, dusty covers that hadn’t been handled in centuries. Ryan had watched her for a few minutes, knowing that if he didn’t do this now, he would most likely chicken out. But he was going to do it. He was going to be a man for once and stop hurting her.

Ryan was going to break up with her.

[jessi]

Sighing to herself deciding that if she wanted to stay head girl and stay at the top of her class she better stop moping around and get back to work, sure things seemed to going askew with Ryan but when did she ever let a guy come in the way of her grades this had never happened before, she normally was the one who even if things got weird could still have enough will power to actually do her work, but this time was different. This time she couldn’t focus, her mind had been filled with Ryan and how she hoped things weren’t ending, god she hoped not. But if they were would she try and stop him? Or would she just let him do it, was she going to be one of the girls that tried to make their boyfriends stay with them, could she do that, would her pride let her do it, she didn’t know.


After a few more minutes of sulking as she would put it she stood from her table and retrieved the quill she had thrown earlier before sitting back in her seat and focusing on her paper that she had to get done before tomorrow morning, and at this rate in order to get a high enough mark to save her grade she’d have to stay up all night, what would Louis think of this if he saw her, she hadn’t seen her brother for a while and that sucked she missed him and they were in the same school. She promised herself that as soon as she got the introduction and maybe the first part of the essay done she’d go find him and have a talk.


As she just started to focus on her paper she heard something that sounded like someone hitting the side of a book shelf and looked up. Looked up only to find the person she had been hoping she’d run into but at the same time not wanting to run into, if her little feeling was right she really didn’t want to see him because she really didn’t know what she’d do if he did end things. Dominique sat her quill down next to her paper and directed a small smile in Ryan’s direction, “Hey” she said softly not knowing what else to say, so she just sat there twirling her ring around her right ring finger, a nervous habit, one that she had since she was a little girl.

[ryan]

He hadn’t been aware of his hand tapping out a rhythm on the book shelf until he hit it a little too hard, alerting Dominique to his presence. Cursing inwardly, he gave her somewhat of a smile, eyes flicking to the nervous habit she was exhibiting. She looked about as happy as he did, which made him bite his lip for a second, before he decided to head over and face the music.

”Hi” Ryan sat down next to her, glancing at the empty parchment and the books that were stacked up on the table. She looked busy, but at the same time he felt like she wasn’t too into her schoolwork at the moment. He sighed, rubbing at his neck and looking at her from behind his eyelashes. Dominique looked a little sad, still twirling her ring, which made him want to reach out and take her hand in his. He didn’t though. Couldn’t.

”I...suppose we need to talk.” The words no girl or boy ever wanted to hear from their lover. It spelled just one thing...a broken heart. It was the one sentence everyone uttered when they were about to lapse into an explanation why this relationship wasn’t working out anymore. The Slytherin cringed when he realized this, taking another deep breath and looking at her directly this time. ”I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

[jessi]

Dominique’s gaze looked up from the twirling of her ring when she heard those words. The words she knew were coming but wish they wouldn’t. She didn’t understand why they were about to come to their end, everything had seemed fine but then it all fell to pieces which he had warned her about when they first started. Dominique knew it was going to take work, but she didn’t know that he was going to give up so easily, but then again were they really trying, sure they were working on their relationship, but Dominique had heard the rumors, about him and that teacher the same one that had almost brought them to their end the first time.

“I guess we do.” she said in almost a whisper, she didn’t know what else to say, she was surprised she was even able to get the words out, hell she was surprised she even said anything to start off with, now biting her lip she looked back down at her ring and began twirling again, she flinched when she heard Ryan say that he didn’t want to hurt her again. Couldn’t he see that he was hurting her worse now than he ever had?

Ryan had become a part of her life, almost what she needed to function, she never told him that because she didn’t want to scare him, but it was how she felt, so now here she was getting hurt because he didn’t want to hurt her anymore, made perfect sense right? Not at all, at least not in Dominique’s mind, but for the past few days nothing was making sense in Dominique’s mind, hence her grades were starting to slip, finding the will power to look back up at Ryan she tried to put a small smile on her face but knew that it looked fake, but she had to at least appear stronger than she felt, “who said you were hurting me?” she questioned, sure he was hurting her, but not because of something he did, but because of something he wanted and was trying to do.

[ryan]

Ryan wished he could try, he just never had in the past. This was the first semi-serious relationship he was in, and to not walk away when things got bad was something completely new. Yeah, part of him did want to try, did want to see if maybe this could work, but at what cost? He had cheated on her, not once, but multiple times, and he couldn’t imagine a girl as beautiful as Dominique settling for a guy like him. Maybe she saw the good in him, but he couldn’t let her be distracted by that while he went on to ruin her. It wouldn’t be fair. The least he should do was own up to his mistakes and await her judgment.

Which meant telling her that he did have feelings for Professor Blake, as unhealthy and disturbing as they were. To an extent, he expected her to be able to deal with his being unfaithful, because she knew that it would never mean a thing to him. Those few kisses he had shared with her meant so much more. It was partly why he hadn’t been intimate with her. Because he wanted to be able to do so with an honest heart and an honest desire. Not something that was brought about by his neverending thoughts.

”I know I am” The Slytherin answered quietly, reaching out and placing a hand on top of hers for a moment. He was so torn. What he wanted most of all was to protect this beautiful girl from the bad things he could do to her. The bad things he was doing. ”I promised you I would be honest, and I want to be, but I don’t want you to have to go through all this. So if you want to end this now, I’d understand.” He was giving her a way out. And a way in, in a sense. A chance for her to say no, I don’t want this to be over.

[jessi]

“Go through what?” she questioned not really sure what he was talking about, sure she had heard the rumors but that was all they were right? Just rumors made up by some juvenile students who wanted nothing more than to cause drama, that had to be it, but then again Ryan was talking about how he promised he would be honest so what did that mean, “Sweetie you’re not making any sense to me right now.” She said still semi-unsure what was going on, most guys didn’t say anything like what Ryan was saying when they ended relationships so was he ending it or was he confessing something to her

Flipping her hand over and intertwining her fingers with his Dominique looked down and their hands and back up at Ryan. He said their relationship was going to be hard, and well even if it was hard and probably unhealthy, considered by most people, she was the happiest she had been in a long time, and she didn’t want to let go of that, she didn’t want to drown into oblivion and be left in the background like she had before Ryan, sure people noticed her, but it was for her beauty not what was on the inside, Ryan took the time to look past the exterior and get to know the real her, the one she kept hidden from everyone else but him.

“I’m not going to be the one that ends this.” she said defiantly, “Ryan what’s going on? Where is this coming from? You can tell me anything you know that.” as she said that she really didn’t know if he knew that, sure she had told him in the past but did he believe it or think that she just said it because she could, and it was expected of her, but that’s not why she did it, Dominique was one of the few people left in the world, according to her parents, that never said anything they didn’t mean. Sure it left her open to get hurt from time to time or it pushed people away, but that was who she was, and she wasn’t going to change that, but now sitting here with Ryan, if he asked her to change her ways in order for their relationship, more than likely she would and that in itself scared Dominique, she had never been willing to change before, but something about Ryan made her willing to do just that.

[ryan]

Ryan took a deep breath, listening to those words. ”I’m not going to be the one that ends this.” He had both longed for those words and wished she hadn’t said them. Looking down at their laced fingers, he sighed softly, glancing up into her eyes. ”You know how I said that I fuck things up? Because I’m scared of something good?” He refused to say it was because of his disorder, since it was too easy to blame everything but himself for this. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop himself, so maybe it wasn’t his fault, but it was still his doing. Who would know, except for him, if what he did was because he wanted to or because he had no other choice?

”Some things happened. There was this one incident with Toby...my friend, Tobias Steele.” An incident, because no matter how much he loved him, he didn’t have those kind of feelings. It had happened because it needed to. Because he wanted to forget about Tristram and Dominique. ”But that’s not the worst. Lately, I’ve been having...feelings. I don’t know what to do about them, except for ignoring them, but they are there.” It sounded awkward and Ryan really wasn’t sure how she was going to respond to this. Yes, she had said she wasn’t going to break up with him, but that was before she had heard that her boyfriend was falling for someone else. Someone she could never be, because he was male.

Ryan ran his free hand through his hair, staying quiet. What else was there to say? She needed to be able to respond to him before he dumped every bit of shit on her. Not that there was much else to tell. If she asked, he’d divulge information about the kiss, but if she didn’t want to hear, he wasn’t going to rub it in and potentially make her feel worse.

[jessi]

Dominique nodded her head afraid to speak, especially after what he just said about fucking stuff up. Dominique wasn’t sure she really wanted to hear what was going to be coming next, she wasn’t sure she was strong enough to handle it, she would have to try though she wasn’t going to let this end without knowing why it was ending, even if that meant she was going to be torn to shreds she had to know.

Dominique inwardly flinched when she heard him say he had been having feelings, feelings for someone other than her obviously. That hurt but she couldn’t say she was surprised, sure she hoped most of those rumors would be false but some had to be right, wouldn’t they? “Okay…” Dominique spoke unsure of what really to say, what did a person say when their boyfriend said they had feelings for someone else, sure it had happened to her before, but that usually was told to her after they left her.

Dominique watched as his free hand went through his hair, did she want to ask the question that was on the tip of her tongue, did she want to hear the answer she feared would come from the question. She wasn’t sure, she wasn’t sure of anything anymore, and that scared her. She had thought everything was fine, wrong. She had thought her grades were doing fine, wrong again. The only thing she had been right about was the fact that if she didn’t get her grades up she risked losing head girl, as well as getting one of her father’s stern talks, no thank you.

Going back to the question that was in her mind Dominique decided to wait before she voiced the question, she needed to know exactly what happened, and maybe know the answer to the question before she had to ask it. Merlin why did things always have to be some complicated, she didn’t understand, but her mother always used to tell her ‘what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger’ Dominique never really understood her mother’s saying but she had never really tried to, but maybe after this she finally would understand.

[ryan]

She was horribly quiet, leaving Ryan with no other choice than to pick up where he’d left off. His breathing was coming a little quickened, the boy occasionally biting on his bottom lip, trying to find the right words. ”I care about you.” He all but whispered, trying to catch her eyes. It was a good thing that their fingers were still laced, wasn’t it? It had to mean something, didn’t it? Maybe she wouldn’t break up with him. Maybe she was willing to give him another chance...

It was so hard. On the one hand, he did want to be with her. Dominique was beautiful, she was sweet and wonderful, and she made him happy when he was around her. Then again, he felt the same way around Tristram – some of the time at least. The man often made him feel confused and upset too, and it was partly why he just wanted to ignore what was going on. Despite the fact that he knew his feelings for Tristram were deeper, more intense and more meaningful than how he felt for his girlfriend, he didn’t really want to pursue them. It’d be wrong on so many levels.

Dominique was, in a way, the safe choice. The one that his parents would be pleased with, the one that wouldn’t cost someone his job. Domi was his age, she was a girl, she was everything he had ever wished for, really. But he really did care about her, enough to want to protect her from harm. From himself. ”I care enough about you to let you go.” The Slytherin looked at her, giving into his emotions and brushing a soft kiss over her lips.

”I could be selfish and tell you that I want you. That I want to be with you. But I can’t promise you that things will be different. I can’t give you what you deserve.” He made sure not to call her anything intimate like sweetheart, or beautiful, which is what he usually called her. It wouldn’t be fair. Kissing her was already crossing the boundaries he had tried to set for himself.