Avoiding is Believing [Ash]

[Seth Hevulen]

Since seeing Ash and Cy at it on the Quidditch pitch, Seth had taken to avoiding him. He didn’t really know why, and it wasn’t exactly the most conscious of the decisions, it just happened. It annoyed him that Ash had turned to somebody who wasn’t him. He had been almost certain that from what Ash had said to him the other night that something was on the cards between them. Telling him that he just wanted to Seth to be happy, and not let him get in eh way. Hell he even told him he loved him, albeit not in that way, but who knew with Ash?

Once he had left the Quidditch pitch, Seth had made his hasty return to his dorm. Casting up his usual enchantment, putting his glasses onto the side table and climbing into bed within a minute of reaching the room. Closing his curtains fully, something he rarely did he lay down to rest. Sleep not taking him until long after Ash’s return. It annoyed him more than the boy didn’t attempt to speak to him. It may have appeared like Seth was asleep, but wouldn’t you call out just to make sure? Obviously not if you were an uptight American with no manners.

Seth had subsequently spent the entire day avoiding Ash like he had the plague. It wasn’t really conscious, nor was it really that odd to not see him too much during the day. Their lessons were continuously at the opposite ends of the school. But lunch and dinner, and indeed breakfast and the morning routine were always spent together. Not today.

Seth had gotten up before he usually did, thrown on his robes and puts Ash’s out so he could access them easily. He wasn’t that much of an asshole. He headed to breakfast and made a quick exit to the herbology room, handing in his homework and getting himself ready for the day. He’d spent the remaining time before the lesson began lying on the grass. It was relaxing and gave him more time to think. Or in this case, brood.

On his way between Herbology and Defence Against the Dark Arts, Seth saw Oz again. They’ not spoken to each much, mere small talk for a moment before they both had to go there separate ways. But it was nice to have somebody to talk to who didn’t treat him like a freak or idiot. Or indeed like he was just along for the ride, to tend to their every need.

He’d missed lunch, and shot off to the library to do his DADA assignment he’d just been set to get it out of the way. Going to his afternoon lessons and managing to eat his dinner without so much of a word to Ash all day. He’d skipped out of spending time in the common room and retired to bed early. Lying in his cocoon, reading the book his Mum had bought him on Lizards before he left for school again, and being happily on his own, avoiding the world. This was how he’d always lived before Ash, and he could do it again.

[ashley]

At first, Ashley had just assumed that his friend had wanted an early night, and though he'd wanted to peek in through his curtains he had decided that it was not the smartest course of action. Mostly because he knew he'd wanted to crawl in with Seth then and not face the nightmares alone. So instead he went to his bed, thought twice about casting the enchantments that would make sure his friend didn't hear him, but cast them eventually anyway. If Seth had gone to bed early, surely he wouldn't appreciate being woken up by his screaming.

There was a little hint of surprise when Seth wasn't around in the morning to help him with his usual routine. There wasn't even a letter, which was unlike his friend and rather worried him, until he thought of the work load the Sixth Year must have. So he shrugged it off, thinking that he'd see him later, during breakfast surely.

Perhaps Lunch. Dinner? Early evening? Ash managed to get around on his own, having to ask a teacher to bring him to the classroom or smiling at a classmate to help him out, but it was abnormal for Seth to be absent from his day. He'd seen him around, once, outside on the lawns, but the Hufflepuff looked both cross and upset.

By nightfall he wondered if it was him. If he had done something to upset Seth. He'd told him he loved him, but that wasn't anything earthshattering was it? Would that be why the other was avoiding him? Because he thought Ashley was developing feelings for him?

With a sad face and dito heart, he managed to make his way up to the dormitory, then proceeded to stare at those closed curtains for a few minutes, while undressing. He sat down on his bed, trying to force his body into lying down and forgetting about this, but there was the nagging feeling that told him if he didn't act now, he might lose his friend. "Seth?" Ashley asked cautiously, biting his bottom lip nervously. "Seth, what did I do wrong?"

[Seth Hevulen]

The book Seth had been reading was really truly very interesting. To him at least. He loved reading, and indeed sometimes learning, new things about Lizards. He’d already seen the television series David Attenborough had done on ‘Life in Cold Blood’ but his mother had bought him the accompanying book and he was engrossed in it now.

So much so in fact that he didn’t hear Ash enter the room. He hadn’t be aware of the other boy’s presence until he spoke. ”What did I do wrong?” What had he done wrong? Nothing Seth would openly admit to. Seth didn’t even open his curtains with his answer, ”Nothing,” he said nonchalantly. Which was the truth. He hadn’t done anything wrong. He just hadn’t done anything right either. Seth was in no position to tell Ash he couldn’t be happy with somebody else when Ash had told him days before that he wouldn’t get in the way for him.

”What makes you think you did anything wrong?” he continued, still staring at the pictures that were in front of him in depth. Looking at every scale, every wrinkle of the retiles body. Why did they have to be so fascinating? Better than humans at any rate. Far more easy to understand. They didn’t get to have relationship problems.

Seth missed his lizards. As much as Zukki was pretty cool, he wanted to go back and see how Buffy and Jerry were fairing. He trusted his Mum to do a good job with the,, but nothing compared to him being able to look after them himself.

(So I'm using Dougs real pets names... so sue me!)

[ashley]

”What makes you think you did anything wrong?”

It sounded so...so completely nonchalant. Like Seth didn't care. Like he didn't care at all that he hadn't seen him around the entire day. Like it was just...just fucking fine and dandy to be spending a complete day without even talking to his best friend. Ashley bit his bottom lip hard, pulling the pillow towards him so he could bury his face into it.

He wanted very badly to curse into the fabric, but Seth would hear and if Seth was so completely happy with being on his own, well far be it from Wheels to change it, right? After all, that was all he was. A burden. Someone Seth was glad to be rid of. No, he wasn't overreacting. Seth was being...god damn it, he was being so Seth that Ashley just wanted to hit him.

"Never mind then" His voice sounded cold, the hurt laced in every word, in every breath he sucked in. So that was it then? He was good enough when Seth wanted him around, and when he didn't, well then he was just the pathetic transfer student. Fine. Just...fucking fine. "Far be it from me to take up your valuable time. I'm sure you have things to do that are way more interesting than me."

[Seth Hevulen]

Seth whacked the book shut with such force you could have heard the noise muffled in the common room. This would be as far as his anger would rise visibly for quite a while. Even then he hadn’t meant to shut it quite so hard. It was a book, books were meant to be respected, not thrown around.

”Ash, mate, I’m just reading. It’s not like I’ve never done that before,” he said, pulling open the curtains of his four poster to show him. Contacts still in, this early in the evening - dressed in a pair of loose fitting jeans and a hoody that swamped his upper body in its entirety.

Swinging his legs over the side of the bed and sitting up. It wasn’t like he had wanted to avoid his friend, that was just how the day had panned out. He couldn’t help it that his lessons had taken him to different places to Ash, nor that this had then resulted n them going to lunch and dinner at different times. Seth was a hard working and getting his school assignments done vigilantly was one of his better assets. Especially when it was a subject he liked.

”You’re being a little dramatic, don’t you think?” Dramatic, like his new little gay friend Cypress.

[ashley]

Ashley gritted his teeth, looking at him. "Don't fucking bullshit me. I know you better than that Seth Hevulen." He did know him better than that. No matter how busy Seth got, he would always make sure that Ashley was alright. It was in his nature to care for his friend, and to have that stability taken away made him dead scared. Seth was the only one he could count on. The only real friend he had, the only family he had left.

"But you know what? Fine. Blame it on me. I'm the drama queen." He spat it out, angrily pushing himself off the covers so he could slide into bed. But anger was never a good stage for him, and he fell onto the ground, cursing so loudly and fiercely that his mother would have been shocked.

He saw Seth moving from the corner of his eye and literally -growled- at his friend. "Don't you fucking dare. I don't need you. You hear that? I don't need you."

[Seth Hevulen]

”I’m not bullshiting you,” Seth replied calmly, reaching over for his book, and showing it to his friend, ”See, book. Seth, reading.” he said pointing from the book to himself. He didn’t mean to sound patronising, he wanted to keep the tone light, fighting wasn’t what Seth was best at.

Seth rolled his eyes at his friend, and his far to over the top dramatics. He would have made a witty retort had the next thing he saw not been Ash plummeting to the floor. He made to move on instinct. He’d never leave his friend like that, no matter what sort of mood he was in. No matter what Ash said to him, even if it was ‘I don’t need you,’ which he, very clearly, did.

”You might not want me, Ash. But you do need me!” he near shouted as he crouched on the floor next to his friend, his jean waistband falling down slightly due to their over looseness. Offering a helping hand to his friend, whether he wanted it or not.

This was so like Ash. Getting himself worked up over nothing. He hadn’t been like it so much before, but now? The accident had changed him, and in most respects not for the better, and Seth hated it. This was not the person he loved. This was not the person he made friends with on that beach all those years ago. This was some crap imitation of his friend. One he hoped soon got replaced with the old model.

[ashley]

"Want you?" Ashleys voice was soft as he allowed Seth to help him onto the bed, the anger suddenly drained from his body. He ran fingers through his hair, laying down on his side so he could face Seth. Could, but he rather wouldn't. Because he didn't want to see it in his eyes. He didn't want Seth to realize that there was nothing more to him than just a guy in a wheelchair. Didn't want the Hufflepuff to see how fragile he really was and how much he needed him.

"I always need you" He started again, a little stronger now but his voice still small, almost kid-like. "You're right. And you know, it isn't fair. You're right about that too. You should be able to have a life." A life, yes, and a lover? Because no matter how hard he tried to reason with himself, he wasn't just freaking out about Seth not paying attention to him. He was scared that when he wasn't with Seth, it would mean someone else was. Someone who could walk and be the proper boy- or girlfriend he wanted.

"I understand" Ash pulled the covers up to his chin, not wanting to see that deformed body that belonged to him. There were scars on his legs, and yet he didn't feel them. He could break an ankle and never realize. "I'm sorry. You should have your own life. Not be stuck caring for me. I can find someone else, I know I can." Maybe Cypress would help him? Cy didn't seem to care about the fact that he was a broken man. Maybe Cypress was a little broken himself.

"I guess...I suppose I just figured that you'd always be there, you know? That you'd always be around. I don't have anyone else Seth, but it's not fair for me to claim you like that." Ash tried really hard to keep from crying, to keep himself from showing any emotion. He had to let him go, didn't he? He had to let him be his own person, not Wheels's personal shadow. "I'm sorry. I'm selfish, and I should just let you read and not force you to hang out with me when you obviously don't want to."

It hurt, oh God, it hurt so bad, but he knew that he was saying the right things. He was saying the things Seth wanted to hear, right? He was letting him go, because he loved him. Because Seth deserved more. Better. Always had and always would. Maybe in another life, if he hadn't been this...if he hadn't been so broken. Maybe then he'd be able to make him happy.

[Seth Hevulen]

Seth crouched by the side of Ash’s bed to make sure he was in alright. He didn’t want to fight. They shouldn’t, it was unhealthy. They were meant to be friends. That’s why Seth did what he did. He cared for Ash more than anybody, more than himself. And he needed for Ash to see that. Seth let a small smile flash across his features when Ash gave in, saying he needed him. Seth knew that he did, and he could never hide from that.

‘Isn’t fair’, since when did Seth say anything about the fairness of the situation. Ash was reading into this far too much. Sure Seth wanted his own space once in a while, but he liked to be needed, he wanted to be needed by his friend. And a life? Seth had never had a life before Ash came along, what was the pointing reverting to that when Ash gave him so much purpose?

”I understand,” ‘What?’ ”No, Ash-“ he didn’t understand, and Seth wanted to tell him that. He carried on rambling about how Seth didn’t have to be stuck and how he should find somebody else. There was nobody else! That’s why Seth helped his friend. He was all Ash had, and he liked it that way. Maybe he’d turn to Cypress for help, and God only knew how much Seth hated the idea of that little drama queen taking his role away from him, taking away his purpose in life, leaving him the sad little loner in the corner.

Seth couldn’t speak, the shear shock of what Ash was saying wouldn’t sink in. Was the guy suggesting that he was about to turn on his friend? Because that wasn’t how Seth saw it at all. He just needed some space every now and again. It was hard being a carer for somebody, especially when they refused to accept help from you every one in a while. ”Nobody lays claim to me,” he managed finally. And that was the truth. Ash had never asked for Seth’s help, he’d openly given it.

Ash wasn’t selfish, he never asked for anything, and he gave Seth all he could ask for. A friend, a smile. A meaning. ”Ash, that’s not what I meant and you know it!” he said, a little more forcibly than he had intended. ”You know that’s not true, so why the hell do you say it?” he had tears in the corners of his eyes, and not wanting to let Ash see them fall he turned back to his bed, lying back down and grabbing his book. He was not getting into this now. Ash could go and ask his little boyfriend for help. Seth just wanted out of this argument.

[ashley]

Seth was saying all the things he wanted to hear, and yet he wasn't. Ashley watched him turn back to his bed with empty eyes, feeling the urge to crawl in next to him. He knew he couldn't, aside from the physical, Seths body radiated that he didn't want to continue this argument. Rubbing his face, he sighed deeply, not knowing what to say for a moment.

When he did speak his voice was soft, trembling slightly. "I just...I don't want you to be lonely Seth. I don't want you to be like me. I know that for me there's no chance right now, but there is for you." He wanted to be selfish, but when it came to Seth it was damn hard. Sure, he tried, he fought and he cried, but in the end he'd always put Seths needs before his. "I'm selfish Seth, I want you around. Always. And when you leave..."

Ashley hesitated for a moment, knowing that the tears in his eyes would be visible if Seth just looked up at him. But he'd gone back to his book, dismissing him like he was some sort of dog instead of a friend. "I just want you to be happy. And I don't make you happy."