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Post by aciaraydon on Dec 24, 2008 0:35:26 GMT 1
Acia wanted to argue possible hope for the boy. She desperately wanted to encourage him to believe that there was some small chance that the teacher could love him too, that curiosity obviously showed something was there, and that he shouldn't give up yet. On the other hand, she would probably be incredibly wrong, and the only thing worse than her friend being crushed now would be her building his hopes up and letting them be crushed even worse later, so she held back on that side. She also held back on the even more overwhelming urge to hug the poor Slytherin.
”I need him here.” That look nearly broke her heart. She reached out and put her hand on his shoulder. "I know you do," She said softly, biting the inside of her own lip. "I promise, I'll help you as much as I can. If I have to... I don't know... attack someone with a spade to shut them up, I will. If you need him here, I'll help you keep him here."
And she sincerely meant that. She didn't know exactly how far she'd go, but Ryan was so obviously hurt by this whole thing that she'd do anything to stop it. And if keeping the teacher in the school would do that, then she'd damn well try her hardest. She inhaled deeply, and gave Ryan a compassionate look.
"I know I probably can't help much..." She continued in a subdued voice "But I swear I'll try."
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Post by ryan on Dec 24, 2008 20:28:19 GMT 1
"I promise, I'll help you as much as I can. If I have to... I don't know... attack someone with a spade to shut them up, I will. If you need him here, I'll help you keep him here."
Ryan looked at her, fingers sliding over the hand on his shoulder before he leaned in and hugged her. They weren’t often physical with each other, mostly because he really tried his best not to turn this friendship into something it wasn’t supposed to be. There was always a part of him that had the urge to, a part that wanted to claim and tie her to him, while at the same time pushing her away before he could truly hurt her. Up until now, he’d managed to be good.
”Thank you. I just...I keep thinking that this might be really good, you know? Not like...him being the one or whatever...” The Slytherin never really believed in that, in the one true love. He figured that people would be insane to tie themselves to another human being for the rest of their life. Especially when it meant going through so many difficult situations. It was so much easier to fuck and dump. But now...he just didn’t want to anymore. And that was definitely scary.
”But maybe, I don’t know...He’s just really...a good person. And it’s stupid to even think that because he’s never going to try for something. Even if he did like me, I mean...Merlin, he’s a Professor. Like you said, he could get in trouble.” He just wished he knew what to do. Forget about the guy? Stop taking extra Arithmancy classes and lay low for a while? All those things sounded so empty all of a sudden.
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Post by aciaraydon on Dec 24, 2008 22:26:41 GMT 1
Acia bit back a smile as the elder boy pulled her towards him. It was the wrong time for smiles, but she loved physical contact. On top of that, she'd figured that Ryan wasn't one for hugs, so it meant even more to her. She dismissed the feelings by chewing her lip, and wrapped her arms around the Slytherin.
"I keep thinking that this might be really good, you know?" The girl looked up at Ryan with slight suprise in her eyes. In all the years she'd known the boy, she'd never seen him react to a relationship like this. Really, it just made the whole situation sadder. For the first time, he was showing the slightest bit of commitment to a relationship, and it was probably the first time it wasn't wanted. She gave a sigh, feeling thoroughly depressed for the poor boy.
She allowed him to finish talking, and sat in silence for a while. Subconciously, she started running her fingers through his hair whilst thinking.
"I think..." She started slowly, almost uncertainly, "Maybe you could take things slower? Like, maybe that's why he keeps fainting. People act oddly if things move too fast for them, you know..."
Her mind was still thinking through other routes of action he could take, and she paused again, chewing on her tongue. "Or you could completely ignore it, or carry on like you are now, but both of those would leave you completely miserable." She gave him another wry smile, then continued "Have...Have you actually tried... talking to him about it? Maybe... perhaps that would help things?"
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Post by ryan on Dec 27, 2008 16:07:41 GMT 1
Ryan listened to her in silence, wrapping his arms around his knees and staring out into the distance. He’d thought about ignoring him, but what good would that do? They were still in tutoring together. Unless he canceled that, but he needed the help and he wanted it. Wanted to spend time with him, be in that safe haven even if he wasn’t allowed to feel this way. Even if Tristram obviously didn’t want him.
”Too fast? There’s hardly that. After he kissed me, he hasn’t even looked at me. Maybe he’s hoping that if he ignores me, I’ll take the hint and leave.” His voice sounded bitter, filled with resentment and rejection. Ryan didn’t take it well, it made him spiral straight into one of his depressed bouts, times where he felt so low that he couldn’t ever see a way out anymore. Times where he wondered what the point of it all was. It wasn’t right to suffer like this, to be in this much pain with no hope for a let out.
”I just don’t know. There’s just...no point to this. To feeling like this. Maybe I should just give up. Completely.” The Slytherins words sounded right for this situation, but he didn’t mean them the way they most likely sounded to anyone else. Giving up, to him, meant giving up completely. On life. What point was there to living, to loving, when all it did was beat you back, kick you until you were down completely, broken.
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Post by aciaraydon on Dec 28, 2008 0:42:37 GMT 1
Acia rested her head on one hand, watching the elder Slytherin boy. She wasn't one to pity anyone, but she felt sorry for the boy and in some way admired his coping. Sure, he wasn't really coping to well, and seemed to be on the verge of giving up on everything, but she could tell that if it was her in that position, she would've given up a long time before he did. She closed her eyes and listened to him speak.
"After he kissed me, he hasn’t even looked at me. Maybe he’s hoping that if he ignores me, I’ll take the hint and leave.”
At these words, her eyes shot open and she raised her head. "Or maybe," she softly voiced the thought that'd suddenly hit her. "He's worried about the same things you are. I mean... If I were him, I'd certainly be worried... about losing my job, and having kissed a student in the first place He'd probably feel, I don't know... dirty about that in some way..."
She sighed, and tugged at her hair. She always seemed to have trouble voicing her opinions in an understandable manner. "I mean... you know what I'm trying to say, right?"
"Maybe I should just give up. Completely." At this, she shook her head violently. A slight frown played on her face as she looked at the boy. Sure, she'd known Ryan to be in some desperate situations, but never this bad. She never thought he was the type to just give up on anything.
"That's not the way, Ry. You know that...Or at least, I hope you do. Anyway, you're stronger than that," She hesitated, biting her lip, then continued. though a little less certain "...Aren't you?"
In her mind, Acia played through the worst case scenario that "giving up" could mean for Ryan. Her thoughts upset her, and she scrunched up her face. She wasn't very keen on the idea of losing her closest friend.
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Post by ryan on Dec 28, 2008 13:42:13 GMT 1
"Or maybe, he's worried about the same things you are. I mean... If I were him, I'd certainly be worried... about losing my job, and having kissed a student in the first place He'd probably feel, I don't know... dirty about that in some way..."
Ryan cringed at that. The thought that Tristram felt dirty over kissing him really wasn’t a good one. It had occurred to him before, bringing up the memory of the man nearly vomiting the first time they’d been in a room together. Needless to say, that wasn’t a thing he was keen on repeating. He noticed Acia tugging at her hair, realizing she hadn’t meant for it to sound so bad. He just shrugged a shoulder when she asked if he understood what she meant. He was trying to, but no matter what she said, it really all sounded hopeless and depressing.
"That's not the way, Ry. You know that...Or at least, I hope you do. Anyway, you're stronger than that...Aren't you?"
Wasn’t he? Ryan honestly didn’t know the answer to that anymore. The first time the thought of suicide had entered his brain he had laughed it off, tried to forget about it by sleeping around more, making himself into the whore everyone thought he was. Fucking was easy, it didn’t require thinking, and he liked that. He liked being who people expected him to be because they wouldn’t wonder what was on his mind.
But the thoughts kept coming back to haunt him and he wasn’t sure whether or not he was really strong enough. He couldn’t be a good person if he kept hurting other people, could he? ”Only sometimes” His voice was quiet, his eyes a little shattered as he looked at Acia. ”I don’t want to be anymore. I’m so tired of hurting everyone.”
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Post by aciaraydon on Dec 28, 2008 15:05:02 GMT 1
Acia sat in perfect silence, her eyes starting to water as she listened to her friend giving up on life. It wasn't a very pleasant thing to hear at all. She bit down hard on her lip to stop any unwanted tears or sobs coming out. Eventually, she forced herself to look up at Ryan and meet his eyes.
After a few more moments of sitting quietly, watching the elder, she spurred into action. She rolled on to her knees and moved herself until she was face-to-face with him, then put her hands on his knees.
"Trust me," She spoke quietly, but confidently, "It'd cause people a lot more pain if they lost you than you could ever do to them in a life time."
She clasped her hands together and cast her gaze down at them. What could she say? He sounded as if he'd already resigned, already made up his mind. Which would mean that nothing she could possibly do or say would change that. But she couldn't sit by and let her friend think that all he does is cause pain.
"I know I'd be devestated. I bet you could think of several others that would be, too." She finished with a sigh, still staring intently at the ground.
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Post by ryan on Dec 28, 2008 19:42:53 GMT 1
Acia moved, sitting down in front of him and resting her hands on his knees. Ryan looked at her for a moment, listening to her quiet words. He wanted so desperately to believe her, to feel that despite of what he did, there were still people who wanted him around. Who needed them in their lives, regardless of whether or not he’d hurt them. He took a deep breath, looking at the fingers that intertwined themselves onto his jeans, resting a soft hand on top of them.
”One is enough” He whispered softly, leaning in and brushing a kiss over her forehead. It was. Having someone here, with him, when he was down and out, that was enough. Smiling a little, he squeezed her hand, trying to comfort her as she had been comforting him. ”I’ll be okay. I just...need some time. Maybe talk to him, like you said. Figure this out. I don’t think it’ll do much good, but it might get things out of my system.” Maybe he could find a way to move on.
Wanting something else to talk about, anything else, he rested his forehead against hers for a moment, wishing that his brain would somehow stop having all these busy thoughts, that he could find a way to make things silent in his head for once. ”So what’s up in your love life, huh?”
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Post by aciaraydon on Dec 28, 2008 20:26:32 GMT 1
Acia let out a soft sigh, trying to get rid of the lump that had formed in her throat. His words had calmed her slightly, and she smiled sheepishly back at him. Hearing him say that she was enough, and knowing that she'd helped him out slightly, had made her feel a bit better. All she ever really wanted was to help him out. She clasped his hand in hers, and took a few deep breaths to make sure she'd recovered reasonably. She didn't want to burst into sobs when she started talking.
Really, she didn't know why she'd reacted so negatively. Of course, anyone would be bothered by one of their closest friends considering suicide, but she'd practically burst into tears about it. Surely, no one else would have acted that way? She now felt quite foolish for what she considered to be a major over-reaction, and tried to fight back what she was sure was an embarrased blush rushing to her cheeks.
”So what’s up in your love life, huh?”
At these words, she couldn't help but let out a small, delicate laugh. The hint of a smile still played on her face afterwards, as she closed her eyes.
"Do be serious, Ry." She breathed, the laughter still lingering in her voice slightly. "When have you ever known me to have a love life?"
The idea was absurd to her, as no one had ever shown the slightest interest in her, especially not in that way. Were she speaking to anyone else, she would have merely changed the subject. But Ryan was different. There was no need to be ashamed of anything around him. She knew he wouldn't say a thing against her for her lack of relationships, and he definitely wouldn't tease her about it.
"To be completely honest with you..." She said awkwardly, feeling nervous, "... I don't know if I'll ever have one. It's hard enough for me to make friends, let alone..."
She broke off, now holding his hand even tighter and rubbing it with her thumbs.
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Post by ryan on Dec 28, 2008 21:14:23 GMT 1
He had seen that she had been close to tears and though he had been serious about the shift of topic, he had wanted to make her smile. Acia wasn’t overreacting by any means, hell, if he would have been confronted with someone talking about suicide, someone he was close to, he would have literally clung to them and refuse to let go. It would be a rather pathetic sight and there wasn’t much he could do with his small, girlish frame, but the kind Hufflepuff girl was definitely not acting foolish. He wished he could tell her so, but couldn’t find the words, so instead he just smiled at her with his blue eyes.
"To be completely honest with you... I don't know if I'll ever have one. It's hard enough for me to make friends, let alone..."
He nodded, noticing how she was clinging to his hand and resting his other hand on top of hers, hoping to soothe her with the knowledge that he was here. Ryans voice was soft, tinted with emotion as he gazed down on one of his best friends. ”Hey, you managed to befriend me. I’d say you get bonus points for that.” Reaching out, the Slytherin gently tucked a strand of hair behind Acia’s ear, giving her a small smile. ”It’ll come. It’s just going to take boys a while to realize how amazing you are. They are rather stupid, I thought you were aware of that after hanging out with me for all this time.”
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