Firewhiskey required. Idris Optional.

[Abraham Grey]

Argall,

Still got that half bottle of firewhiskey I left in your office last month? Either way you owe me a round, I got one up last time at the Hog's Head.

Made any first years cry today, you miserable sod?

Abe.

[alsa]

Grey,

Unfortunately Peeves got a hold of it and decided it would make a fantastic new toy to spray the students with. I'm sure you'll be pleased to know he decided to drench me as well. Waste of good alcohol. Remind me next time we're down there, you know I'll forget.

And no, but the day's still young and I have two more classes with them. Plenty of opportunity for stories of Acromantulas.

Found the remains of your cat yet? I know a great recipe for kitten stew...

Argall.

[Abraham Grey]

Argall,

A likely story. Was that why I saw you looking hungrily at that third year the other day, or did you really just want to eat him?

Next time better be soon, Shepherd just can't keep up. As much as I hate to admit it you at least come close to my superior drinking skills. Even if you did throw up on my £200 shoes last time.

Don't you bully my Hufflepuffs now, they're too innocent.

Not yet, I think he might be somewhere on the second floor. What are these lies though, I know you have a weakness for soft fluffy animals. I caught you petting Kissy once.

Abe.

[alsa]

Grey,

No, I did think that student looked a lot like a hotdog. I thought Tenebrus might appreciate eating him, and maybe I could sell the other parts to an unsuspecting potion maker. Stranger things have happened.

Woe betide anyone who keeps you from your drinking. I suggest Friday night, Hogs Head as usual? And I'd like to remind you that you ruined my robes. You're not allowed red wine this time.

Innocent? They're the worst of the bunch. Honestly, how did you ever survive in that house? Or are you secretly a pushover too?

You're delusional, Grey. I have never petted your cat, and I don't intend to. I'd keep him away from my office, Gary hasn't had any Muggle legs to chew on lately and he's going for anything that moves. Three times I've had to persuade him that the desk leg isn't actually a ghost's leg. I think Cait likes teasing him.

Argall.

[Abraham Grey]

Argall,

Your horse thingy is a mennace, I'm sure he ate the end of my scarf. Perhaps you can keep the skull as an ornament, it would make a nice candle holder perhaps.

Oh you know me too well Idris dear, get some wine in me and I come over all emotional. Friday sounds excellent, then we'll have the whole weekend to sleep it off. I intended to get totally and utterly hammered.

Can't handle a few harmless Hufflepuffs? Why, I think you're losing your touch! I have you know my students adore me. They're good kids.

That reminds me, I need you to look over Pickle. He's quite lazy and spoilt, I think he's getting fat. Plus his colour is off, well more than usual. Ahh, how is Cait anyway? Has she done any more delightful redecorating in your office recently?

Abe.

[alsa]

Grey,

I knew his training was going well. I'm not at all sorry to hear about your scarf, it was a horrific garment anyway. The boy had a rather flat head, I thought it might make for a good sweet dish.

Please don't call me dear, and we'll have to find you some kind of cure for your hangover then. Haven't you got any marking to do, or is your subject of expertise (and I use that term lightly) that unpopular?

I'm convinced that Hufflepuffs are the most evil of all houses, and you're just proving my thesis. Truly they have done well shifting the image onto Slytherin, I applaud your deceptive skills. I highly doubt any of them are good, or intelligent. One boy nearly blew up a Puffskein. I was most disgusted. You should teach them not to prod things with their wands.

I believe that would mean you've been overdoing the radish again. Remember what happened last time? If you will insist on letting every student feed the poor creature, you could do to remember to make it a balanced diet. And I thought you might have something to do with that. I would ask you to stop encouraging her, but I suspect that will only make things worse.

Like I said, Hufflepuffs are the true evil of the world.

Argall.

[Abraham Grey]

Argall,

I thought the scarf made me look rather dashing. It doesn't look nearly so good with a hole eaten out of one end though. At least now I know what to buy you for christmas, I think a nice shade of lilac will do the trick. Still, can't be worse than those novelty socks Diana got us all last year. I still hear mine singing in the back of my wardrobe sometimes, you'd think the charm would have worn off by now.

Marking? Since when have I set essays for my students? Besides I have plans to make Tristram give me a hand with all that dreadfull paperwork thats been piling up. You know they actually hired him just to cover for us, it's marvellous! Popularity has nothing to do with it, my subject just actually requires intelligence.

Well yes you should know the truely conniving never take credit for their achievements. All those poor Slytherins taking the blame, no wonder you're all bitter. Oh, I would have paid good money to see that. Students can be so amusing. Perhaps if you gave them a little instruction on how to handle the creatures, instead of just hoping they'll get eaten by some of the more nasty animals...

But Idris! You know Pickle is my one weakness, I just can't say no to him. He looks at me all pleading (well, behind the fur) and I can't resist. You can't tame a free spirit like Cait, even a dead one.

Abe.

P.S. I may or may not have told my Hufflepuffs that the first one to make you snap gets 100 housepoints.

[alsa]

Grey,

Anything lilac comes near me and you'll find yourself sleeping beside Tenebrus' head, should he decide to come poking around inside the castle again. The pair of you are more trouble than you're worth. And I'm fairly sure she strengthened them. You know she was asking if you had a girlfriend when she first started? Has she asked you about helping her out with her beehives yet, by the way? She's heard how much you like them.

You mean you don't? Truly, how can you not? It's so much fun to see them whining about writing a few inches... You should stop pushing him into doing your work and let me steal him for a bit. Someone else should chase down Tenebrus for a change... I should probably check if he can see thestrals before suggesting that, but it would be fun.

Intelligence, yes, but not such high levels. The real intelligence realises that Arithmancy has no use in the real world whatsoever.

But it's so much easier to just let them get eaten, and as long as I've got the right creature, there's no mess to clear up.

And that, Grey, is why your fluffball of a pet is going to die a very early death. Get a grip, man, he's a bloody guinea pig. He can't look at you in a pleading manner, I highly doubt it knows what pleading is. Try feeding it the right food at the right time for a change, and if you don't mention it to me again I won't tell you I was right.

You're an evil bastard, Grey. Stop encouraging her.

Argall.

PS: Wanker. It's not going to work, I don't think they're brave enough for that.

[Abraham Grey]

Argall,

How about mauve? A nice pastel shade of purple would match your complexion so beautifully. Ooh, very menacing, you're forgetting I wouldn't actually be able to see poor Tenebrus's head so I probably wouldn't even notice it. Besides I think the Carleones have that trick patented, wouldn't want to be stepping on the toes of another influential pureblood family now would we? Idris you utter, utter bastard. You know I'm allergic to beestings! For this I'm composing a love poem to Fiona and signing it with your name.

Unlike your students mine actually enjoy the subject. They'd probably welcome the chance to write an essay for me... Okay yeah even I can't write that with a straight face. Seriously though, why make us both miserable, they don't want to write the essay and I certainly don't want to mark them so we may as well skip the whole unpleasant task entirely. Triss is mine, I got there first, get your own assistant. The thought of him running around after Tenebrus is amusing though, even more so if he can't see them.

Argall you do talk an awful lot of drivel. Arithmancy is the very subject that binds all magical power together. Without it we'd be about as magically inclined as a banana.

I'm so glad you never got your hands on that dragon...

Don't say that, Pickle might have been reading the letter over my shoulder! He's very sensitive about his weight you know and saying he's going to die is just mean! Oh no wait, he's asleep. Okay fine, I'll put him on a diet, but if he gets depressed I'm blaming you.

I might just give her a hand. If we work together perhaps we can get the entire contents of your office into the courtyard.

Abe.

P.S. They may not be brave, but, bless them, they'll try. We're aiming to wear you down slowly. One little annoyance at a time. I reckon they'll have you babbling at St. Mungo's by easter.

[alsa]

Grey,

I could always murder one of your little Hufflepuffs in front of you. I'm pretty damn sure you'll see him then. Or maybe I'll just kill you instead. Then you and Cait can live happily together in the afterlife forever. All I'd have to do is leave Hogwarts and you'd be stuck with her chaos forever. Help her and find your own personal swarm of very hostile bees following you around. The fact that my grasp of romantic language is nonexistent means Fiona should cotton on fairly quickly. Especially if I get that copy of your journal out quickly enough.

Did I mention I found that lying in the hallway?

Unfortunately for me, they're part of the curriculum. Tossers. Still, the more damage I do with exploding pets, the fewer essays I have to mark. Alas I have tried but McGonagall seems to be under the impression that I'll kill any other bastard employed within the first week. I wonder why she thinks that?

Arithmancy is a load of utter bollocks and should be scrapped from the curriculum, along with Divination. You can't see the bloody future and numbers are numbers. There's nothing magical about them.

I did manage to get an egg, but McGonagall found it. Still, I've heard tale of a basilisk nest in Cornwall...

Blame away, maybe he'll commit guinea pig suicide and hang himself from the end of your desk. It would save me a chore.

Argall.

PS: Do you really want me to break all your students? You know I can do it. I was going to leave off the Graphorn lessons til they'd learned how to be quiet, but I could always move it up a few months...