Post by tarenbriggs on Oct 30, 2008 4:52:14 GMT 1
Hrm, I don't usually post things I'm working on, but this is just an excerpt from a story that I'm trying to write. I guess I just have rather morbid muse right now XD I've been feeling kind of down lately so it affects my writing (and makes it kind of choppy). The narrator is Ashlyn and Jeremy is her best friend. Critique is welcome, but don't be too harsh please.
I couldn’t breathe. It felt as though an ice-cold hand had plunged through my chest and was slowly squeezing the air out of my lungs. I heard myself gasp and sputter, but the sounds were distant to my ears - mere echoes, completely detached from me. A numbness was slowly seeping through me, dimming all of my senses - everything was a dizzying, nauseating blur of color and motion and noise and I couldn’t understand any of it. How could this be happening? It couldn’t be true; someone must have lied to me. This had to be a cruel, sick joke. But even as I thought this, I knew with a clarity that frightened me that this was real. It was really happening, and this thought alone was enough to make me want to die right there and then. I couldn’t survive, not after this. I put my face in my hands, shaking my head, my whole body shuddering with loud, gasping sobs as I slowly sank to my knees on the hard tile floor.
No, he couldn’t be dead. Jeremy was not dead. Any moment he would walk through the doors and this would just be a dream - a nightmare. I lifted my head up and pushed my tangle of hair back, eyes desperately focusing on the hospital doors, and I waited. A minute passed by, and then another minute. I was not really aware of all that was happening around me, oblivious to the fact that my parents were by my side, reaching out, crying with me. All I wanted now was to see Jeremy come into the waiting room, to see that broad smile on his face that he always had whenever I was with him. I felt my mother shake me on the shoulder, struggling to get my attention, to pull me out of my anxious reverie, and I just shook my head violently, muttering ‘no’ all the while. However, it wasn’t long before I finally snapped back into reality.
“Ashlyn, there was nothing that could be done. They tried everything they could.” That was what they always said in the movies - that they tried but it couldn’t be fixed. But this wasn’t some film, this was real; it was my life, and it had just taken a devastating turn that could never be reversed. I watched my mom silently for a moment, tears tracing patterns down my cheeks, and then turned away, heartsick.
The doctors had told me what happened. Several people had actually witnessed the accident. Jeremy had been driving home from a track meeting when his car had been broadsided by a truck. The driver and the other people in the truck had been fooling around, drunk out of their minds, and had swerved into his lane. The impact had sent his car spinning out of control and it had collided with yet another car. Jeremy had been unconscious but alive when he was pulled out from behind the steering wheel. Now he was dead. I felt as though a piece of me had been torn away with him, and that I would never be whole again.
I couldn’t breathe. It felt as though an ice-cold hand had plunged through my chest and was slowly squeezing the air out of my lungs. I heard myself gasp and sputter, but the sounds were distant to my ears - mere echoes, completely detached from me. A numbness was slowly seeping through me, dimming all of my senses - everything was a dizzying, nauseating blur of color and motion and noise and I couldn’t understand any of it. How could this be happening? It couldn’t be true; someone must have lied to me. This had to be a cruel, sick joke. But even as I thought this, I knew with a clarity that frightened me that this was real. It was really happening, and this thought alone was enough to make me want to die right there and then. I couldn’t survive, not after this. I put my face in my hands, shaking my head, my whole body shuddering with loud, gasping sobs as I slowly sank to my knees on the hard tile floor.
No, he couldn’t be dead. Jeremy was not dead. Any moment he would walk through the doors and this would just be a dream - a nightmare. I lifted my head up and pushed my tangle of hair back, eyes desperately focusing on the hospital doors, and I waited. A minute passed by, and then another minute. I was not really aware of all that was happening around me, oblivious to the fact that my parents were by my side, reaching out, crying with me. All I wanted now was to see Jeremy come into the waiting room, to see that broad smile on his face that he always had whenever I was with him. I felt my mother shake me on the shoulder, struggling to get my attention, to pull me out of my anxious reverie, and I just shook my head violently, muttering ‘no’ all the while. However, it wasn’t long before I finally snapped back into reality.
“Ashlyn, there was nothing that could be done. They tried everything they could.” That was what they always said in the movies - that they tried but it couldn’t be fixed. But this wasn’t some film, this was real; it was my life, and it had just taken a devastating turn that could never be reversed. I watched my mom silently for a moment, tears tracing patterns down my cheeks, and then turned away, heartsick.
The doctors had told me what happened. Several people had actually witnessed the accident. Jeremy had been driving home from a track meeting when his car had been broadsided by a truck. The driver and the other people in the truck had been fooling around, drunk out of their minds, and had swerved into his lane. The impact had sent his car spinning out of control and it had collided with yet another car. Jeremy had been unconscious but alive when he was pulled out from behind the steering wheel. Now he was dead. I felt as though a piece of me had been torn away with him, and that I would never be whole again.
