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Post by hazelparish on Dec 7, 2008 20:37:39 GMT 1
“I really...don’t have a good reason. Back then it all sounded logical to me. Now though...Now I’m spending most of my time wishing that I’d done things differently.”
Hazel wondered how true that statement was. She didn’t want to push him considering the fact he at least told her something and hadn’t turned and walked out was encouraging. She watched as he sat down in a window sill she hesitated a moment before leaning up against the sill next to him. One thing Hazel could say she was proud of when it came to herself was that she was rarely judgmental.
“Stuff happened over summer break that I felt really ashamed of. At first I figured...I’d just not tell anyone. But I couldn’t. Toby was asking me how my summer was and I just...Then all of a sudden I was screaming at him to leave me the fuck alone. It was easier that way.”
She listened as he continued on with the explanation. So Josh had pushed his friends away because something had happened. Something bad Hazel assumed, which worried her. The last thing Josh needed was for her to be mother henning him, so she simply watched him. It seemed as if all the animosity between the two boys had been from Josh’s actions trying to protect himself. She bit back a sigh before lowering her eyes slightly.
“So, it was like self preservation.” She said softly. “You didn’t want your friends to know about what happened I can understand that.” She was quiet again before she glanced back up at him. “Where you afraid you’d accidentally tell someone?” She questioned softly.
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Post by josh on Dec 9, 2008 17:19:05 GMT 1
“Were you afraid you’d accidentally tell someone?”
Josh thought on that for a moment, eyebrows furrowed as he mulled that over in his brain. Had he been? To an extent, yes. Though if he were honest, he had been most afraid of people finding out once he told one of his friends. As much as he had loved them, they weren’t all the best secret-keepers around. He’d been so worried that this whole story would go public and he’d be portrayed as a fool.
It was ironic, that he was now the center of attention only because of the decisions he’d made in the past. Josh looked at Hazel, feeling a rush of affection and gratitude for the Hufflepuff. As much as she’d want to know, she hadn’t asked him what had happened, and only assumed that he would tell her if he thought it was the right thing to do. Just that fact, that she didn’t ask, didn’t pry, made him want to tell her. No matter how hard it would be.
Blushing a little, he bit at his lip for a moment. ”I just felt really ashamed. And confused. Cause I really liked Toby. And then...stuff happened with Ben. I didn’t want him to think that I wasn’t good enough for him.” Even now, saying it, Josh felt stupid. He should have given Toby more credit. But at the time, his worried heart had told him that this was the way to go. That he couldn’t stand more heartbreak. OoC: Sorry, I totally didn’t notice you’d posted
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Post by hazelparish on Dec 9, 2008 22:37:24 GMT 1
At Josh’s expression, Hazel quickly went on worried she had upset him. “I mean I know why you wouldn’t have wanted to tell me, we both know I’m so not good at keeping secrets.” She laughed, but it sounded a little forced, and her smile felt cracked on her face. She sighed before shaking her head. “I would have kept silent if you asked it of me.” She assured him. If he asked it of her now, Hazel would make sure his secret didn’t come out.
“I just felt really ashamed. And confused. Cause I really liked Toby. And then...stuff happened with Ben. I didn’t want him to think that I wasn’t good enough for him.”
Something told Hazel even after this whole mess Josh still really liked Toby. She wisely kept her mouth shut and let Josh finish talking. The fact that Josh didn’t think he was good enough for Toby made Hazel winch slightly. She hated hearing her friends talk badly of themselves. Hesitantly she put her hand over one of his and gave it a gentle squeeze.
“Listen Josh that had to be horrible and hard and heartbreaking for you.” She began softly. “I can’t speak for all your friends, but I want to help. If that means having to leave you alone, then I can do that, but you shouldn’t have to suffer by yourself.”
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Post by josh on Dec 12, 2008 19:27:39 GMT 1
“I would have kept silent if you asked it of me.”
Josh felt upset that she felt the need to say that. He had never worried about Hazel spreading anything, mostly because at this moment, he couldn’t care about it anymore. There were other rumors, worse rumors, and really, what was the worst that could happen? Another story in Aparecium? Another delectable rumor the gossip eager people in the school could chat about to liven up their boring days? Nothing could be worse than being hated, he knew that now. Once upon a time he’d been convinced that pity was the worst, but it wasn’t. So he shook his head in silence, taking a step closer to her to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. A simple motion, but so much more than what he’d done in years.
“Listen Josh that had to be horrible and hard and heartbreaking for you. I can’t speak for all your friends, but I want to help. If that means having to leave you alone, then I can do that, but you shouldn’t have to suffer by yourself.”
”It was” Joshua said quietly, glancing at the floor for a moment. ”I felt awful about pushing him away, cause I loved him so much...but I was so scared. It sounds ridiculous now, but I just didn’t know what to do. I mean...I couldn’t just go up to him and say, hey Tobes, guess what? During the summer I had an orgy with several men and I feel really bad about it?” He bit his lip, wondering whether or not he wanted Hazel to comment on that. Part of him really didn’t want to discuss this, but he also felt like he owed it to her.
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Post by hazelparish on Dec 12, 2008 20:07:10 GMT 1
When Josh tucked a strand of hair behind her ear she appreciated the simple gesture he use to do for her all the time. She was beginning to think maybe; just maybe their friendship could be mending. She stood silently not sure what else to say at that point. She hadn’t wanted to upset him, but they both knew she was a little on the awful side when it came to secrets. She didn’t deliberately tell them or anything, but she sometimes just didn’t think someone out before she said it.
”It was. I felt awful about pushing him away, cause I loved him so much...but I was so scared. It sounds ridiculous now, but I just didn’t know what to do. I mean...I couldn’t just go up to him and say, hey Tobes, guess what? During the summer I had an orgy with several men and I feel really bad about it?”
She nodded she could understand how scary that must have been for him. She paused for a minute absorbing what he said. She could tell he probably didn’t want to talk about it, so she spared him any further embarrassment by simply addressing the first part of what he told her. She took a few moments to compose what she wanted to say.
“I understand, it seems like completely normal behavior to be scared in a situation like that.” She told him, leaving the last part untouched. What he did was his own business and he certainly didn’t need any kind of moral judgment from anyone on it. It had to be hard on him to come back to school and live with that for so long.
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Post by josh on Dec 13, 2008 17:38:46 GMT 1
“I understand, it seems like completely normal behavior to be scared in a situation like that.”
Josh appreciated that Hazel didn’t bring it up. He’d forgotten how much he used to like the girl. Yes, she had the tendency to ramble sometimes, but he loved that. He loved being able to just sit somewhere and listen, not focus on his own problems for a while. He’d missed her. Which is what he told her, in a quiet voice, just before choosing to answer her unsaid questions.
”I was mostly scared because...well I felt stupid. Naive. I genuinely cared for Ben and then this one night everything got out of hand. He got me drugged up, then just sort of...used me” Josh shrugged a shoulder, looking away from her for a moment. ”Not just him either. At the time I wasn’t all too aware of it, but he’d apparently planned it as a party. Invited some people, they even paid him for it. For me.”
He winced at the memory, still not liking the fact that he’d been so clueless. ”It was just...I don’t know. I wouldn’t call it rape, but it wasn’t completely consensual either.” Joshua looked at her this time, finally showing the hurt it had caused for the first time. Part of him was worried that she’d walk away, find him disgusting. He had felt like that for a long time.
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Post by hazelparish on Dec 14, 2008 0:00:08 GMT 1
“I was mostly scared because...well I felt stupid. Naive. I genuinely cared for Ben and then this one night everything got out of hand. He got me drugged up, then just sort of...used me”
Hazel felt ill. She had a feeling she was not going to like where this was going to go. She swallowed a bit thickly. Hopefully this story wasn’t going to end how Hazel suspected it would. She was horrified and she wanted nothing more than to track down the kid who hurt her friend. Instead she forcibly pushed her rolling emotions aside and listened to his continued story.
“Not just him either. At the time I wasn’t all too aware of it, but he’d apparently planned it as a party. Invited some people, they even paid him for it. For me.”
He confirmed what she hadn’t wanted to hear, and to heartbreaking point. Hazel’s stomach rolled and her eyes slammed shut just briefly as the horrible statement sank in. How could that happen to him? More importantly how could he have lived with something like that for so long with no one to talk to? When he winced, she felt herself wince as well.
“Oh god Josh, I’m sorry.” She said her voice sounding rather odd and nothing like her own. She wasn’t sure what to do. She wanted to run forward and hug him and refuse to be pushed away again. Yes she said if she had to leave him alone she would do that for him, but she couldn’t let him suffer alone anymore.
”It was just...I don’t know. I wouldn’t call it rape, but it wasn’t completely consensual either.”
Hazel would call it rape, but he hadn’t asked for her opinion. When he looked at her and she saw so much hurt, she could not stop herself, and moved forward throwing her arms around Josh and burying her face in his chest. She would not cry that would not help, but she just had to be able to hug him, just for a few moments at least. After a few moments, she pulled away slightly.
“This doesn’t change anything.” She told him gently. “Not for me, something awful happened to you, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re my friend and I love you. In a completely motherly platonic kind of way.” She added mustering up a weak grin.
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Post by josh on Dec 15, 2008 20:54:02 GMT 1
Hazel wrapped arms around him, practically clinging to his body, but Josh didn’t mind. It felt nice to be close to someone, nice to have some sort of physical interaction that wasn’t laced with worry. He was scared to hug people, thinking that maybe they would feel uncomfortable. He had the rapist label now, and no matter what happened in the future, that wasn’t going to go away easily. He tried forgetting about the fact that maybe at some point, he would have to explain to a new boyfriend, a new person he could date.
“This doesn’t change anything. Not for me, something awful happened to you, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re my friend and I love you. In a completely motherly platonic kind of way.”
He nodded, too surprised and uncomfortable to speak for a moment. He loved what he was hearing, that wasn’t it, he just wasn’t too sure how to respond. It was such a strange thing, a strange way to mend their friendship. Josh finally leaned in, kissing her cheek softly in thanks. ”I love you too Hazel. I’m so sorry...I just...It was hard. I didn’t want anyone to think that I was...especially not Toby.” His mentioning Toby made him bite his lip again. ”Of course now he thinks that I’m a rapist.”
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Post by hazelparish on Dec 16, 2008 2:31:42 GMT 1
He kissed her cheek and she released the hold she had on his waist, stepping away. Well, she had felt that was needed, but it was slightly embarrassing now. She had all but thrown herself at the poor boy! She pushed a little bit of hair off her face before regarding him with unusually serious eyes. She wanted to know where they were going to go from here. She had a feeling something awful had happened, but it hadn’t occurred to her it could have been that bad.
“I love you too Hazel. I’m so sorry...I just...It was hard. I didn’t want anyone to think that I was...especially not Toby.”
“I know it was.” Hazel responded quietly. “I’m glad you can talk to me about it, and I hope you’ll come to me if you need anything. I like to think that Toby would understand though.” While Hazel was not pleased with the other boy making no effort to end the rumors of rape, she had enough faith to think that he would have at least understood.
“Of course now he thinks that I’m a rapist.”
“Do you really think he does?” Hazel asked. She had no idea what the other boy was thinking, but she sincerely hoped that he didn’t think that about Josh. It had bothered her that it seemed like very few people actually took the time to get Josh‘s side before condemning him.
[[OOC: Just so ya know, I'll be gone for a while!]]
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Post by josh on Dec 19, 2008 18:06:48 GMT 1
“I know it was. I’m glad you can talk to me about it, and I hope you’ll come to me if you need anything. I like to think that Toby would understand though.”
Josh smiled at her when she offered her support. Knowing that Hazel was still there, despite the way he had ended their friendship, meant a lot to him. She truly was a loyal and good friend and he was lucky to have her. The Gryffindor voiced it in a soft voice, not touching upon the subject of whether or not Toby would understand. He would like to think the same, but how could he tell him when he wasn’t even allowed near the boy? When Toby cried wolf whenever he so much as looked at him? Really, wouldn’t it just be best if he let him go without any explanation?
“Do you really think he does?”
He shrugged, running fingers through his hair and toying with one of the curls. ”I don’t know. He acted like he believes it, but I don’t think he does. He wants to, but he knows better than that. I would never do something like that.” Toby had to know, didn’t he? That despite his demeanor, he would never touch Toby when the other told him no? ”I just don’t know if I should even bother...” OoC: I heard love. Hope to see you soon! <3 And I was thinking, maybe we can end this thread soonish and start another one after the ball? A lot has happened since that ^^
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