I Can't Stop Loving You [Jas]

[rhys]

The smell of blood lingered in the air long after the young boy had finished. The few small marks had disappeared under his wristband - nicked from Toby's suitcase one day - and the razor was safely tucked back into his pocket. The smell surrounded him, making him rather heady as he glanced at his surroundings. The curtains had been shut around his bed, the black bed spread covered in pictures.

Wizarding pictures, Muggle pictures, anything and everything that he had collected over the years. Pictures of Jasper, because who else would he look at? Who else would he miss more than anything? Rhys had been staring at the pictures this afternoon, knowing full well that it would bring about feelings that he rather kept hidden. But what else was there to do? The real thing was off with Gale, making him happy. It wasn't that Rhys minded the fact that Jasper made the Hufflepuff happy, it was that it was vice versa what bothered him. No one was supposed to make him feel the way Rhys did, and lately it felt like someone had. Like Jasper had found someone to replace him.

Tears were staining his cheeks, blurring his sight as he gathered up the pictures, stuffing them back inside his drawer before wiping angrily at his eyes. He was just stupid for ever thinking that Jasper would stay. For believing him when he said that Rhys was the most important thing that had ever happened to him. Sure, maybe those words had been true...at that point. But lately, whenever he drug up those sentences, he couldn't help adding 'so far' in his head. Rhys had been the best thing to happen to Jasper so far.

And now there was Gale, who was happy and bubbly and everything that Rhys wasn't, and it hurt. It hurt so much that he wanted to make himself bleed, to have the physical pain rather than this heart ache. Not that he felt much better now that he had actually cut himself, but at least it took the strain off of things. At least he'd be able to go to his afternoon classes and not be completely overwhelmed by his pain.

[jasper]

Jasper yawned as he trudged up the stairs towards the Ravenclaw dormitories. He lifted his hand up to lazily cover his open mouth, tilting his head to the side. He really hadn't slept much in the past few days and he felt like he was going to die from lack of sleep. It made him slightly grouchy, and he was hungry.. longing for good food and a welcoming, warm bed.

The past few weeks had been particularly enjoyable and particularly grusome at the same time. It had gotten to the point where he dreaded spending time in his own common room for fear of someone who knew Rhys coming up to him and nagging at him again. He'd already heard it from Kris, and Jasper just didn't want to hear it anymore. It was bad enough that Rhys was making him feel seriously guilty. They were best friends, not lovers.. so what was his problem?

Jasper paused as he got in front of Rhys' room, white contacts that were hiding blue-green washing over the door. What he really wanted to do was bust through that door and tell Rhys to stop being such a mopey little brat, but Jasper simply bit his pierced lip and sighed, running his hand through his hair. Instead of busting through the door, he simply opened it and slipped inside, closing it softly behind him.

"Rhys?" Jasper paused, leaning his back against the door, his nose catching that unmistakable odor of iron lingering within the air. He growled softly, pushing away from the door and crossing the room to the younger Ravenclaw's bed before swiftly pushing back the curtains and staring at his best friend accusingly. "What have you been doing, Rhys?"

[rhys]

He hadn’t even heard the door opening, the boy leaning back against the pillow that was propped up to the headboard. His eyes were closed, breathing deep and easy. Rhys had always liked that smell of iron, it somehow made him feel safe. There was comfort in blood, and it wasn’t at all disgusting or gruesome like some thought, or worse, a cry for attention. The Ravenclaw didn’t cut to show everyone how he was feeling, he did it because he had to, because he was addicted to the way to relieve the pain.

As Jasper called his name, he sighed, opening his eyes just as his friend pulled back the curtains to stare at him. The others eyes were white, a sure sign that he wasn’t feeling too well either. The thought nearly made him smile, but he held it back, wondering whether or not Prince Charming had done something to upset Jas. Not bloody likely, he thought, feeling a wave of resentment for the bubbly blonde. No, the only one who seemed to upset Jasper these days was Rhys.

”Nothing” It wasn’t even meant to be a lie, his friend would always see through him and know the truth. There was little in his life that Jasper hadn’t shared at some point, though their friendship had always been just that – a friendship. He knew that he had no right to be so upset, but he also figured that with the way they were, with the way that Jasper needed him and the way Rhys desperately needed the other, he figured that Jasper should understand. ”What’s it to you?”

[jasper]

A rather agitated expression quickly spread across the American's features, eyebrows narrowing as he lowered himself boldly onto Rhys' bed. He casted the curtain aside, airing out the bed area. The smell of iron was beginning to get to him as it was a bit too strong. Scrunching up his nose, Jasper stared at his best friend. He wanted to yell at Rhys for cutting. He wanted to get rid of every single razor.. and he wanted to beat it into Rhys' head that cutting was just stupid. Jasper simply let a low rumbling growl slip through the back of his throat instead, a visible sign he was struggling with some inner demons briefly. It wouldn't help anything if he started screaming at Rhys.

"I don't want to come in here to find my best friend dead." Jasper's words were calm, oddly so. He was still a bit high from earlier and the area of his eyes around his contact covered irises were a bit red. On this particular time, it was probably a good thing that Jasper hadn't quite come down from his drug induced high yet. "I like bloody movies, but not real life bloody scenes.." Even if he himself could get violent, it didn't mean Jasper liked it.

Jasper thought for a moment, about what Kris said. Rhys feeling abandoned. He sighed softly, reaching over towards Rhys and placing his hand gently upon the boy's upper thigh. "Rhys, let me have the razor." Jasper knew that Rhys probably kept it on his body somewhere. Jasper wasn't going to use it on himself, but he was definitely going to tuck it away so that it was one last razor available for Rhys to use whenever he desired. Jasper's thumb gently slid across the fabric of Rhys' jeans, eyes glancing up at the younger Ravenclaw. Jasper really did miss Rhys. He missed the way Rhys used to be before he got so mopey and angsty.

He wanted his Rhys back.

[rhys]

Of course Jasper wasted no time in claiming his bed, tossing the curtains to the side so they were visible for all to see. Rhys just sighed, leaning his head back against the pillow and closing his eyes when his friend told him he didn’t want his best friend dead. Best friend. For some reason, those words both pleased and irked him, and he let out a soft scoff. ”I’m not going to die, Jasper.”

He wasn’t able to resist his friends command, just as he never had before. Jasper just had to ask him something in that particular tone of voice and he’d never say no. It had never been a scary thought in the past, but now it was becoming slightly aggravating. Still, he retrieved the blunt object from his jeans, handing it to Jasper without really looking him in the eye.

”Now that I’ve done something for you, will you do something for me?” His hand absently trailed to the fingers on his thigh, just like they had done on so many occasions. His body still knew Jasper, still recognized the immense amount of trust and love they shared. Maybe that was why he had so much trouble sleeping lately, even if his mind had come to terms with Jasper not being there, his body still missed someone to cuddle up to.

”We need to talk...and I need you to listen to me” His voice was quiet, blue eyes lifting up to meet those freaky whites. ”Really listen, Jas. Because there’s some stuff that’s been going on lately...and we’re changing. It’s scaring me.” Rhys tried his best to be open and vulnerable around his friend, no matter how hard it was.

[jasper]

Jasper's stomach rumbled obnoxiously as Rhys handed over the razor, and he wondered if it was audible to the younger Ravenclaw. He quickly chalked it up to side effects of being high and he also wondered if Rhys could tell, slipping the razor into his own pocket for safe keeping. He would probably dispose of it later. Jasper shifted his weight after stuffing the razor into his jeans, making sure that his hand remained on Rhys' thigh.

He sighed softly, whites glancing down at both of their hands. He should have known that Rhys was going to want to talk about something. Here it goes. Jasper resisted the urge to groan, knowing full well that he was about hear from Rhys what he'd been hearing from everyone else for the past few days. "I'm all ears, Rhys." Jasper's American accent was a bit slurred, as if he were somewhat tired. He really was tired.

Slowly, Jasper twisted his hand around to catch Rhys' fingers within his own. It was an instinctual and habitual action, his body just so used to reacting to Rhys in such a loving manner. This was why he'd had to place a bit of distance between the two of them and why he spent more time with Gale.. because he knew that to an outsider, this looked very much like a couple. Most best friends didn't hold hands and sleep cuddling together. If he wasn't going in that direction with Gale, Jasper wouldn't give a flying rat's ass what anyone thought about him and Rhys.. but that wasn't the case.

"Rhys, you're still my best friend. I still love you.." As much as he was trying not to sound exasperated, a hint of it shone through in his voice and his body language. "I wish you would stop moping around the common rooms like you just lost your dog.." Though some people might be insulted by that, Jasper's voice was soft and low.

[rhys]

Rhys sighed a little when Jasper told him that he still loved him, and that he wished he would stop looking so sad in the Commons. ”I asked you to listen Jas” He said it softly, his blue eyes still having traces of tears in them. He was so damn emotional sometimes, and the thought of losing Jasper really had hit him hard. He had expected his friend to understand, but apparently things weren’t that easy. Looking down at the way their hands were linked, the boy had to swallow before he was actually able to speak.

”I never had a best friend before you, Jasper. I was used to being alone, and I did alright. I’m not saying I was happy, but I managed.” He had cut before Jasper, more than he had while they were together, but not as much as he’d been doing recently. Sure, he tried to reason everything away, tried to tell himself that this wasn’t the end, but it felt like it. And he had to make the other understand. ”Then you came...and you were my world.”

Were. Because he wasn’t sure where they stood now. Jasper could say that they were still best friends, but things were different, and that scared him. ”You’re the only person I would trust with my life. You’re the only person who’s always allowed to touch me.” Rhys bit his lip, glancing down at their hands when looking directly at Jasper became too hard.

”And things changed, when Gale came around. I don’t...really understand why you won’t spend time with me anymore. Why you won’t share a bed with me. I mean, if you spent every night in Gale’s bed, then it would be different...but you don’t. And that just...makes me feel like, sometimes, you feel like you’re better off without me.” At this, the tears really came, and Rhys wiped them away, embarrassed at the fact that he was crying so easily.

He took another deep breath, knowing that he had to say it all in one go, or he never would. ”You’re the one person I always trusted to be around me. And when you’re not...it gets really hard to believe that you care for me. I know that I haven’t been the greatest person to be around lately, but it just feels like you don’t even try. Like you’re replacing me...because Gale makes you happy. I was good for that in the past...and now I just don’t know anymore...I don’t know why you would even bother when he’s capable of doing everything that I did.”

[jasper]

Jasper bit down onto his lip when Rhys said that he was supposed to be listening. Sighing, Jasper scooted a bit closer to his friend, taking care to keep their hands locked with each other. He listened to what Rhys had to say, and it was pretty difficult to keep interjecting with remarks of his own. Part of him felt like Rhys was being ridiculous.. like he was readying too far into things. Sometimes Jasper wondered if Rhys enjoyed making things more negative than they really were. When Rhys seemed like he was finally finished, Jasper gave Rhys' hand a squeeze.

"I've never had a best friend before you either, so you need to excuse me if I mess up somewhere. You didn't exactly come with a best friend how to manual, Rhys." With his free hand, Jasper reached up to run his hand through his hair. He was trying really hard now, to hold himself back. His mind kept screaming at him to say snide or rude little remarks and Jasper would be damned if he let this turn into a blow out.

He honestly hadn't realized that the lack of physical contact was bothering Rhys so much because in his heart, Jasper still knew that they were close. He really didn't want to make Rhys feel like they were losing each other, because Jasper honestly would rather die before he let that happen. "Rhys, you are the single most important thing to me. It was not my intention to cast you aside or make you feel unwanted because it's so far from the truth that I don't think I can truly stress to you what you mean to me."

Jasper shifted their hands, finally letting go and gently fluttering his fingertips across the top of Rhys' wrist and up his arm a bit. "I don't sleep with you and do the things I normally do because I don't think it's fair to Gale. You and I both know the truth, Rhys.. we know that we're just best friends and we derive pleasure from being physically close but you have to realize that to other people what we do looks like we're a couple. I don't want people thinking I am cheating on Gale. If you were Gale, how would you feel if you saw your boyfriend cuddling in front of the fire with another guy, even if they claimed to be just friends?" Slowly, Jasper brought his fingers back downward, tilting Rhys' wrist to side so he could glance at those wounds.

[rhys]

Rhys wasn’t sure whether he was supposed to laugh or cry at the words Jasper threw at him. It was good, to hear that he was important, the most important thing to him. It was also great that his best friend hadn’t really meant to throw him aside. Then again...things wouldn’t change. Because Gale might possibly think something was up? The Ravenclaw had never seen his friend so submissive to another. Usually he didn’t give a fuck about what other people thought. He must really care about this one.

Even after everything Jasper said, it still came down to the fact that he wouldn’t make his best friend feel better because his boyfriend might not approve. No matter what else Jasper had said, he was still shoving Rhys in the background in favour of his new love. The younger Ravenclaw knew that there was so much he could say on the subject, but that no amount of pleading or tears would keep Jas from doing exactly what he wanted to do. So he wouldn’t even try.

Shrugging one shoulder, he gently pulled his hand back, tugging the wrist band back over the marks. He was hurt, yea, and he was trying to battle something out deep inside of him. Teeth clamped down on his bottom lip to restrain himself from saying something that would turn this into an argument. For the longest time, Rhys just kept quiet, wondering if there was even something to say anymore. He had opened up, let Jasper in and let him know how he was feeling. If the other didn’t even want to try and change anything, what point was there to talking about things?

Of course, eventually he lost the battle, parting his lips after a particularly vicious intake of breath. ”I wouldn’t care.” Mostly, he couldn’t imagine himself with anyone but Jasper, feeling this jealous or possessive over someone other than the Ravenclaw. If he had been dating Jasper instead of Gale...Then this whole thing wouldn’t even be an issue, which is what he calmly stated to the older male.

[jasper]

When Rhys pulled his hand away from Jasper, it hurt a bit. Rhys never pulled away from him, especially when Jasper wanted to touch him so tenderly. Jasper felt a sharp pang within his chest, white eyes flickering up to Rhys' face for a brief moment before his hand lurched forward and grasped onto Rhys' again. Lacing their fingers together, Jasper took the younger Ravenclaw's other hand and placed it on top of both of theirs, and then his free hand on top of that. Then he glanced up at Rhys, looking him square in the eyes. "Rhys, I love you. Please don't be upset with me."

Slowly, as if he was afraid Rhys would turn away, Jasper leant towards the other. He really was afraid that Rhys would pull away.. because he was right, things were suddenly different. More different than Jasper had realized. If Rhys were to move away from him, Jasper just knew his heart would explode. That, and he probably wouldn't be able to keep himself in check. After a few moments, he moved to place a gentle kiss on Rhys' cheek.

"I'm sorry, Rhys.. Let me stay here with you tonight." His voice was soft. "You are my best friend and I couldn't stand it if we were to ever fall apart. I need you.."